Star Wars Episode I: The Crack Addict's Remix
by McGigolo
Summary: This story is a parody of Star Wars and makes no sense at all and only me and...no just me...finds it funny...it involves numerous celebrities and the Group Marriage (me and my friends) and the Purple Jesus Mystery Machine (my friend's car that we all hau


A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

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STAR WARS 

Episode I: The Crack addict's Remix

In the depths of space a small space vehicle, known throughout the galaxy as the notorious Purple Jesus Mystery Machine, is hauling ass at warp speed, swerving left, right, up, and down. At the helm of the mighty ship is Kosta3P0, the most advance translator in all the galaxy. As usual he is having a nervous breakdown/hissy fit. Next to him is Chow Yun Solo, commander of the Purple Jesus and infamous outlaw. In the back, Chow Yun Solo's trusty sidekick, Ericbacca, is giving himself of package check as he laughs pedophillically (wtf). Seated in bitch is Lando Paresky, he's a bad mother and as black as Greco-Russians with black paint on their faces come. He is honking jovially. Next to him is Luke Walkens, a 40 or so year old Jedi in training. In the way back of the ship is Tequila MacDonald and GayBecky, two aliens joined together by their collective ass made of rubber. Their destination is unclear as they continue to aimlessly haul up and down the galaxy.

(Tequila leans over all the seats until she is inches from Kosta3P0's ear)

Tequila: STOPONRED

(The Purple Jesus is seen dive-bombing straight down and then quickly balancing itself)

Kosta3P0: Oh my dear Bloody Jesus! Please refrain from doing that you whore!

(Everyone laughs their asses off)

(Luke Walkens pulls his light saber out of his ass and beats Kosta3P0 over the head with it and laughs like a five year old)

Luke: *YOU*....aretheWeakestLink....goodbye

(He continues to laugh like a five year old yet somehow not changing his emotionless expression at all)

As the Purple Jesus continues to haul on toward no where a large ship, hundreds of times bigger then the Purple Jesus flies overhead. 

Chow: Oh no! It is Vadah Stah Destroy! Battle station!

Kosta3P0: Oh dear me whatever shall I fucking do!?

(Beeping noises are heard from outside)

Kosta3P0: Becca-D2! Oh you little tramp get down from their this instance!

Becca-D2, a trash can on wheels with a hole cut out of it that has Becca's head lodged inside of it, beeps and whistles and makes an angry face. Becca-D2 is lodged in the sun roof of the Purple Jesus and is keeping watch.

Kosta3P0: Oh you little bitch...she's saying that that is...oh gentle Jesus no! It is Vader McGigolo's Star Destroyer!

Chow: Yeah ok we figyah that out rong time ago dumbass

GayBecky: HA, he said dumbass

MEANWHILE...

Aboard the Star Destroyer hundreds of Goomba's are gathering in preparation for the arrival of someone. They gather at the main hangar doors and await orders. In the command room of the Star Destroyer, the admirals are preparing to capture the Purple Jesus for inspection. General Sandi makes her way to a special chamber high atop the command room. She is asked for authorization.

Computer: What is the password?

Sandi: MinkMankSkank

Computer: Access granted

General Sandi enters the room and stands behind a Lazy Boy recliner facing a large screen TV which has Who's The Boss on. A drunken laughter is heard from the chair as Tony Danza apparently makes a joke on TV. 

Sandi: Ahem...Lord Vader, we are in pursuit of the Purple Jesus

Vader: Purple what? What the hell are you talking about and what does it take to get some good boo' round here!?

Sandi: Yes sir, I'll get you some good boo' in a minute. The Purple Jesus is the ship we have been chasing all day Lord Vader. It is suspected that Princess Langley is aboard

Vader: Langley? Ok whatever I'm watching TV do whatever you want

Sandi: I am in charge sir?

Vader: Yeah yeah fine

Sandi: Thank you sir

(Sandi leaves and stands with the door facing her back)

(Sandi claps like a monkey)

Sandi: Go Vadey

(Her pants, held up by pins, begin to fall down and she quickly catches them and laughs like a drunk)

Meanwhile, back in "cargo bay" of the Purple Jesus...

Princess Langley of Tokyo-3 is thrown into the rear windshield as the Purple Jesus takes another dive. 

Langley: Idioten! (screams random German gibberish for the next hour and a half as she tries to protect a special "package")

(Author's Note: OHHH YEAAAAH)

Langley: Fucking King Gendou and his embryo...

(the "ship" takes yet another sharp curve upwards, as a huge metal arm (which is actually made out of toothpicks painted silver when you look closely) grabs the Purple Jesus Mystery Machine and hauls it into Vader McGigolo's Star Destroyer)

Kosta3P0: Oh my fucking dear!!

(a hole is cut in the roof of the Purple Jesus and General Sandi Tarkin falls through it)

Sandi: GOOD EVENING.

Langley: MEIN KAMPF!!! 

Princess Langley pounces on the general and proceeds to rip her a new one. Ericbacca does his pervert laugh and Becca2D2 is having a squealing fit in the corner.

Suddenly Langley looks at the camera and jumps for the cameraman. The video feed cuts away just in time before the cameraman is brutally killed at the hands of "Frothing Il Duce". A still with a flock of sheep, a drunken Ewan McGregor, Satine smoking a hookah, and a Green Absinthe Fairy is shown, with the words "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" in horrible, horrible German (wtf) at the bottom. Soviet cartoon music plays in the background. After a few moments the camera comes back to life. DMX's Party Up blares from nonexistent speakers. A platform is lowered into the Purple Jesus, revealing none other but Vader "I Like Ass" McGigolo.

Vader: What up....DAWG

(Vader is lowered down with his index fingers pointed at everyone with a stupid look on his face)

Sandi: SKINATZ, all will bow before Lord Vader!

Chow: Ah yes, Vadah McGiggywithit I hear about you

Kosta: Oh bloody shit

Vader: Where is the Princess?

(everyone points at the ball coiled into the back of the truck)

Vader: Bring her to me (breaths in and out, then chokes, falls off the platform, and quickly jumps back up)

General Sandi moves in for the kill. Langley once again tries to attack, but Sandi pulls out some mace from her cleavage and sprays her in the face. She falls to the ground and mumbles more German gibberish about Hitler and the Reichstag. Vader McGigolo attempts to use the force on her ass.

Vader: MWAHAHAHAHAHA You are mine...BITCH

(Vader shakes his hand menacingly at Langley and nothing happens)

Vader: What the fuck? The Emperor said I was good for another week!

Sandi: Um...I'm out, fuck you, toodelo!

(Sandi throws a smoke bomb in front of her and disappears)

Taking advantage of the situation, Vader grabs Langley and hauls ass up towards the command room. Everyone else stares at each other in massive confusion. 

Kosta3P0: Oh how dreadfully fucking awful! We should help the poor girl, but then again she *is* a girl and why would anyone want to save one of those things?

(Becca-D2 beeps and an extendo-glove shoots out of a door in her side and hits Kosta3P0 knocking him down)

Chow: We must save pretty anime girl

Luke: Yes...save her indeed, let us move out...now

(Everyone jumps out of the Purple Jesus except Tequila and GayBecky who need to be let out of the back)

Kosta3P0 waddles over and opens the window and GayBecky crawls out and falls on the ground, her collective ass is stretched out of over the window. Tequila is still inside, stretched out over the seats again pressing all the buttons in the dashboard and laughing like a drunk. Kosta3P0 grabs her collective ass and pulls her back out the window and she too falls on the floor. She jumps up and shoves her finger in his face.

Tequila: FUCKYOU

(Kosta3P0 falls to the ground)

(Ericbacca growls, does his high pitch laugh, and adjusts himself)

(Tequila grabs her shopping cart from the back of the Purple Jesus and puts GayBecky inside to push her around)

GayBecky: OHHH YEAH, it's ass hauling time now

Tequila: What the hell are you talking about?

GayBecky: I don't know, it's the shopping cart

(points to the engraved words that say "Made in China")

GayBecky and Tequila look at each other and nod

GayBecky and Tequila: *Imports*

(Kosta3P0 locks the doors to the Purple Jesus with a button on his ass)

(GayBecky and Tequila stare at each other nodding for the next half hour)

(everyone else is gone)

Tequila: Jesus Christ those bastards

GayBecky: Come on...let's haul

GayBecky ties a blue police light to her head and pulls a boom box out of the cart. The Inspector Gadget theme song blares as Tequila runs for the door. A group of Goombas waddle into the landing bay and fire their big guns (Ohhh yeah). Tequila, thinking quickly, launches the shopping cart at the Goombas and makes a flying leap into the front part of it. The cart knocks the Goombas down and they lay flailing their limbs aimlessly. The floor slopes down and the cart goes flying. Eventually they come upon the rest of the group marriage and the cart hits Lando Paresky in the ass and gets stuck to it. He tries to shake it off but it is lodged in there and so he honks for another half hour and they finally dislodge the cart. 

Lando: Oh mercy! That's a knee slapper!

(hundreds of Goombas come out of no where and fire upon everyone)

Everyone runs like hell until they get to a fork in the road. Kosta3P0 and BeccaD2 go to the left while everyone else goes right. At the end of the hall Kosta3P0 and BeccaD2 run into General Sandi Tarkin putting duct tape on her uniform. She doesn't see them and they try to sneak by until a digitized "Ode to Joy" blasts from Kosta3P0's ass. He lifts off his right ass cheek and looks at the caller ID which says "Vocational Skanks: 1-800-SIR-MIXALOT" and then he talks into it.

Kosta3P0: Bloody Christ, what is it!?

Tequila (on the phone): Where the fuck did you two go?

Kosta3P0: My superior intellect told me that this was the correct direction you fucking whore

Tequila: Oh Jebus, whatever, we'll find you later BITCH

(Kosta3P0 replaces his ass cheek and the two continue on)

(BeccaD2 beeps and sounds an alarm)

(Sandi Tarkin is standing in the door way)

Kosta3P0: Jesus Christ woman, move out of our way please you little whore

Sandi: You are not going anyway chach

(she pulls out a remote to a Samsung TV and that "Dun Dun DUNN" thing plays...wtf)

Meanwhile...in Vader McGigolo's Crib

(a sign on the door says "When this Bitch is a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'...IFYOUKNOWHATIMSAYIN")

(inside, "Let's Get It On" is playing from the nonexistent speakers with a disco ball twirling in the ceiling)

(Vader McGigolo, in his stained wife beater and Scooby Doo boxers, is on his rotating bed trying to sex up Princess Langley)

Vader: C'mon baby, you want this...you can't resist the Dark Side OH YEAH

(Langley growls ravenously from the corner of the room where she is coiled into a ball)

(she is recording a hologram message and storing it with the embryo)

Langley: Christ Gendou, the next mission you have for us, your little bitch Rei is going on...if you find this then I'm probably fucking dead you sonovabitch

Vader: Hey baby, who you talking to? (breaths in and out through his helmet)

Langley: Oh...I'm talking to you...baby...(mumbles "Dumkoff" under her breath as she struts over to the bed)

Vader: I knew you couldn't resist the force! 

Langley: Yeah, the force, that's it

(Langley notices the fountain in the middle of the room and runs over to it and jumps in for no reason)

Vader: What the hell are you doing!?

Langley: Let's romp in the fountain Vadey

Vader: Uh...ok

(Vader jumps in and Langley knees him the groin)

(She gathers her goods and escapes out the door)

(Vader is passed out in the fountain) 

Meanwhile (once again)...Kosta3P0 and BeccaD2 are marching down a hall way with Sandi Tarkin, pointing the Samsung remote at them. They under her control.

(A door at the end of the hall opens)

(Inside is a massive sphere shaped room with an ongoing staircase running along the wall and bridges stretching across the room every few levels)

(At a high level, the group marriage is fending off Goombas while trying to get to the other side)

Chow: We must get to otha side! 

Tequila: Really!? 

Chow: Hey, you want to go bitch!?

Tequila: BRING IT ON

Ericbacca: (Pervert laugh)

GayBecky: Jesus STOP

Luke: Listen you little punks...stop screwing around...what have I told you about the screwing around?

Lando: (Honks)

(they stop and then the Goombas blow up the bridge so they have no way to get across)

Tequila: Awww shit-u

Chow: Ha! No problem

(Chow leaps majestically in the air and floats gracefully to other side while firing his blaster and managing to hit every Goomba with perfect precision)

GayBecky: You could have done that awhile ago and saved us a lot of trouble there captain

Lando: Wha!?....How did he do that!? That's illogical! It shouldn't happen

Tequila: What the fuck are you talking about?

Lando: I'm analyzing his ability to fly, there's gravity in this room therefore he shouldn't be able to fly! This idea disgusts me!

Tequila: Oh shut the fuck up

GayBecky: How are *we* going to get across?

Lando: I'll handle that! I'm chivalrous, after all!

(Lando picks up GayBecky and throws her across into the arms of Chow)

(Since they are joined at the ass, Tequila goes flying along after her and hits the wall)

(Ericbacca lays down and uses his legs and arms to close the gap)

(Lando and Luke run across and Ericbacca pulls himself over)

(Tequila beats Lando over the head numerous times)

The group marriage comes upon the main command room. Inside Langley is single handedly taking down all the admirals and generals. She runs ravenously up to the group marriage screaming incoherently. Sandi Tarkin, Kosta3P0, and BeccaD2 block the exit.

Sandi: Kill them, chachies

(She pushes buttons on the remote and Kosta3P0 and BeccaD2 begin waddling towards them)

Kosta3P0: Oh my dear Lord, I cannot control my body! Look out, here I come!

BeccaD2: (Makes air-raid siren noises)

Tequila: Well then I guess we'll have to kill you both, it's such a shame (she pulls out her .33mm)

Chow: Wait! We can't kill robot, it too smaht, Intel Inside

(the Intel logo branded on BeccaD2's head is shown with the Intel-Inside sound effect playing)

Lando: They're our friends too! We can't kill them

Tequila: Sure we can (she tries to lunge at the robots but she held back and put into a Hannibal lector restraint)

Kosta3P0: Oh my bloody fucking lord, whatever shall I do!

Langley: Oh Mein fucking Gott LOOK OUT (she shoves everyone aside and opens her package)

(The Embryo of Adam lunges out of the box and attaches itself to Kosta3P0's head and begins its mating ritual)

(Langley pulls out a spatula and scrapes the embryo off and throws it at BeccaD2 and repeats the process)

(She tosses it back inside the package and the robots are back to normal)

Sandi: Oh jeez, this bird's gunna fly

(she leaps through a window and into a Volkswagen-TIE Fighter that scurries off into space)

GayBecky: Now what?

(Langley grabs GayBecky by her giant nose)

Langley: *You* need to take *me* to Earth so I can give Gendou his shit, NOW

GayBecky: Ok fuck you too

Kosta3P0: Only if you pay gas money you stupid little bitch

Langley: You'll get your reward on Earth you asshole

The Group Marriage makes its way back to the Purple Jesus and hauls ass to Earth. Watching from a window, Vader McGigolo is none too pleased (ok). 

Vader: Bah, the force is strong with them, fucking bastards...we *will* meet again...

The sound of door being opened and a chime ringing is heard. Vader walks over to a computer where he has received an instant message from the screen name "Honk_If_Youre_Horny." 

Honk_If_Youre_Horny: Did u capture the grl?

VaderMcGigolo69: No, a Group Marriage came and rescued her

Honk_If_Youre_Horny: LOL, u better not fail next time

VaderMcGigolo69: Yes Emperor...I understand

Honk_If_Youre_Horny signed off at Half Past the Monkey's Ass PM

Back in space, the Purple Jesus is entering hyperspace and is ready to head to Earth. Not far behind them is the Grand Isuzu Axiom, the universe's number one bounty hunter, Boba Isuzu's, private luxury transport. It is stealthily following the Purple Jesus on its voyage to Earth. Not far behind all of them is Vader McGigolo's Super Star Destroyer. The Purple Jesus finally makes it to Earth and heads towards Japan. Boba Isuzu heads for the United States but he sends a surveillance droid to keep watch on the Purple Jesus. Vader misses the Earth all together and crashes into Venus. It backs up and makes "beeping" noises like trucks do when they back up (::drools::). 

Meanwhile...Under the city of Tokyo-3, the Group Marriage is given a welcome celebration by NERV which involves being strip searched, probed, and treated to an all-you-can-eat Ramen buffet. After the feast, the Group Marriage is given a medal of honor (made out of chocolate) for helping Princess Langley. Just before Langley is about to hand over the embryo to King Gendou, Vader's forces attack the Earth. The ceiling of the palace collapses and Gendou is crushed under some debris.

Gendou: Langley...you must seek out Nathan Wan Kenobi and Yoda Jefferson Clinton...you mustn't let the Empire win

Langley: Aww shit (she looks at the Group Marriage) this is all YOUR fault!

(the Earth rumbles and the Group Marriage hauls ass to the Purple Jesus)

(they get out of Tokyo-3 but the outer atmosphere is heavily guarded)

(the surveillance droid floats over to them and tells them to follow it)

(they arrive at Mt Washington and a hole opens up revealing a landing bay)

Man: Welcome to the grand palace of Boba Isuzu!

Chow: It is Boba Isuzu! Jaba Bin Laden want you dead more then me!

Boba: That fat bastard is still alive? He's just after the Axiom, but he'll never get it

Langley: Alright enough small talk, let's get down to business assholes. Vader is going to destroy the Earth once the Death Ziddler hauls over here. We need to get the fuck out of here

Boba: No sweat! This mountain is powered by an Isuzu 12 cylinder hyper speed engine. We can take this whole mountain and go anywhere! 

Langley: Wundervoll...(laughs evilly) we must find Nathan Wan Kenobi, he'll know what to do

Luke: Ah yes, Nathan Kenobi...he is on the planet Tatooine...let us haul ass, now

Boba Isuzu takes the Group Marriage to his command room and to prepare for departure. Mt Washington breaks free from the Earth and hauls ass into space. Since its armor is...a mountain...Vader's forces cannot penetrate it and they fly off into hyperspace. Langley peers out a window and sees the Death Ziddler, a giant living moon with the face of Harry Ziddler, finally arrives and destroys the Earth completely. Everyone is standing behind her as they all witness the Earth's destruction.

Langley: Idioten...

(The Price is Right theme song plays)

(the credits roll and each one of the credits just says "Kosta3P0 likes elfin boys")

****

End of Episode I

Coming soon...

****

STAR WARS

Episode II: The Group Marriage does Hoth


End file.
